Hard to trust
I've always found it very hard to trust people. I am not the type of person who has lots of friends and acquantences, it's usually a select few. I blame this partially on all the moving around I have done during my life. Why invest too much in a relationship when I'll be moving in a year or two? However, when I find that person that I really click with, I put my heart into it.
With most people I am close to, I usually try to let the little stuff go. I get mad about something, stew about it for a day or so, then get over it. I recognize that there are some things not worth getting upset over or starting a fight over (a bit of wisdom I managed to acquire over the years). Everyone has their breaking point, though. When the little things really pile up or bigger things happen, that trust starts to crumble. I start to question the meaning behind every conversation, every motive, every action. It can become an obsession. I lose sleep. I can't stop thinking about that comment someone made or if there is some hidden meaning behind an email. It's like a disease eating away at me and (unfortunately) at my self-confidence.
This doesn't apply only to relationships with men, but also to women I am friends with. Once that trust is in pieces, I really try not to get my hopes up about anything to do with that person. BUT my optimistic personality often overrides the pessimistic little voice inside my head that keeps saying - you are going to be dissapointed. This optimistic side of me also tends to think the best of people I am close to (or at least thought I was close to).
This usually leads to me getting hurt. Not a fun feeling and it's been happening way too often lately. Combined with the the obsessing, it's emotionally draining. I think this is one reason why I haven't wanted to start up old friendships and really haven't put much effort into finding some friends outside of work. I'm sure my optimistic side will kick in soon and change that. Until then, I'll just be thankful for the true friends I DO have.
With most people I am close to, I usually try to let the little stuff go. I get mad about something, stew about it for a day or so, then get over it. I recognize that there are some things not worth getting upset over or starting a fight over (a bit of wisdom I managed to acquire over the years). Everyone has their breaking point, though. When the little things really pile up or bigger things happen, that trust starts to crumble. I start to question the meaning behind every conversation, every motive, every action. It can become an obsession. I lose sleep. I can't stop thinking about that comment someone made or if there is some hidden meaning behind an email. It's like a disease eating away at me and (unfortunately) at my self-confidence.
This doesn't apply only to relationships with men, but also to women I am friends with. Once that trust is in pieces, I really try not to get my hopes up about anything to do with that person. BUT my optimistic personality often overrides the pessimistic little voice inside my head that keeps saying - you are going to be dissapointed. This optimistic side of me also tends to think the best of people I am close to (or at least thought I was close to).
This usually leads to me getting hurt. Not a fun feeling and it's been happening way too often lately. Combined with the the obsessing, it's emotionally draining. I think this is one reason why I haven't wanted to start up old friendships and really haven't put much effort into finding some friends outside of work. I'm sure my optimistic side will kick in soon and change that. Until then, I'll just be thankful for the true friends I DO have.
posted by Tosa at
4:01 PM
1 Comments:
I know how it feels to run low in the trust department. In my life I've had many reasons to run for cover when someone I care(d) about disappoints me. I used to always expect someone to let me down, it was easier than expecting them to follow through on promises. I've disappointed peoople, never on purpose - but on purpose doesn't really matter does it because the result is still the same. It's taken me a long time to realize how important some people are. Sometimes I realize too late but regardless, I have to reach out and open myself up even if it's for just a little while. I have to make sure that the memories I have meant something - when I made them - when I remember them.
There's no hidden meaning to anything I'm saying. I just like hearing you are happy, even if it's only processing tidbits from a blog. :-)
By
Networkchic, at 3:09 PM
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